Not particularily fond of this current season we are navigating but yet here we are. In so many ways we are lucky – we know what’s coming and we can prepare and we can try to make our peace with what’s to come but man oh man does the waiting just really take its toll. While we waited for the official word from the doctors that the cancer treatments didn’t work it was nice to choose to live in a purposeful little bubble of denial of what was to come. We “knew” what was going on because little by little Dad was getting worse and having more pain and other symptoms but we didn’t know know. Those were some lovely times. Will forever be grateful for the weeks we were able to spend up north with my parents. I liked denial. That was a good stage of grief for me and it left me with some fond memories. These other stages of grief so far are not really my cup of tea but I do like the anger one a little bit if I’m being totally honest. Much more acceptable to feel the level of rage I am capable of when it’s about the unfairness of someone so young and wonderful dying than it is when I’m feeling it over a stubborn child resisting nap time. I’m pissed! I know so many seriously just straight up nasty people that get to continue to exist, cancer free, just going about their days being assholes while such a gentle and kind person has to suffer their way into death. It’s bullshit! I’ve taken up screaming in the car when I’m alone – 10/10 would recommend. Sometimes I also smash glass into our recycling bin. Follow me for other healthy coping mechanisms.

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There’s been good that has come out of this. For starters, I am completely blown away by the thoughtfulness of my friends and acquaintences. I knew I had the best friends anyway but the checking in with me, the meals, the support, the offers of help, etc have made all the difference in the world. I like being the one to help, the one to make the soup, and I have always had a pretty hard time accepting the help (and the soup) for myself. But I’ve learned that sometimes doing something for or helping someone with something when they are going through something rough makes people feel useful and not just like a helpless bystander who can do nothing to help relieve the pain of what their loved one is going through – so I’ve been accepting some of these offers and it honestly feels good. I’ve got a solid crew. Thanks guys. And then the support from people I don’t know well at all – the messages sharing their own stories with me, the offers to help with errands or meals – a coworker’s mom who has never met me offering to babysit the kids any time we needed – just wow. There are such good people in the world. Kinda makes up for the assholes I mentioned earlier.

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For a long time I’ve been gently teased by friends about my tendency to “collect people”. It’s true – I rarely leave a playground or the library without a new “mom friend” contact in my phone or Facebook friend, and Gates has had to wait for me too many times to count because I’m talking to a stranger at a farmer’s market or Packer game. He, and many of my other friends, would rather wear headphones and sunglasses to avoid chit chat with a stranger and while I swear I don’t actively seek out random people, there must be something in my face that invites in the masses. I’ve gotten some genuine friends from my collecting (and only a couple of nutter butters). And I don’t mind any of it. Because in this way I am very much like my dad. When we were kids we used to get frustrated because it would take FOREVER to get out of the store becaues Dad was talking to EVERYONE. Sure, living in a small town means you pretty much know everyone – but he really knew EVERYONE. And people flocked to him. Now as I sit and reflect on his life and as we see how much he meant to so many and the ways that he touched so many lives I am going to embrace my people collecting fully. He’s been so humbled by the outpouring of love and support from people and I hope he realizes that it is because he is such a pure person and a friend to all. This is a rare thing in this cruel and asshole infested world. How lucky for so many to consider him a friend and how very blessed for me to get to have him as a dad. With every person I collect I hope to honor his memory and spirit. And I apologize in advance for all the times the kids and Gates are going to be waiting for me to stop talking to strangers at the grocery store.

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How do you say goodbye? This is the part that is a blessing and a curse. We get our chance to do it but it’s a terribly hard thing to do. Is it easier when someone dies suddenly or does that leave a hole forever without the chance for a farewell? Thank God for no unresolved trauma or needing to make peace or get closure for some past painful issue. Thank God I just got to be a Daddy’s girl and not deal with Daddy Issues. How lucky am I? The memories are fond and funny, but maybe that makes everything even harder. It’s a horrible thing that if you live a nice long life you get to watch people you love die along the way. That’s complete trash. I’d like to speak to a manager about a refund. Grow through what you go through they say, but I don’t want to. I’d rather it all stay the same.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain that which is to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time of love, and a time of hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Sending thoughts of peace to everyone, especially those also going through a difficult season.