I blinked and it’s the 3rd trimester already! I honestly cannot believe it. Despite how different and more difficult this pregnancy has been for me than when I was pregnant with Olivia it really has seemed just to fly by. I think maybe because with a first pregnancy you have a ton more downtime thanks to not having any chitlins to chase around and you can just sit on the couch stroking your belly and dreaming of swaddled babies and being lovingly embraced by your partner as you gaze upon your peacefully slumbering child. You make sure to take plenty of “me time” and maybe you get your prenatal massages and spend hours making crafty bits for baby’s room and slathering your slowly growing belly with a special potion so you don’t sully your perfect skin with stretchies, and you read your pregnancy and labor books and you have a countdown going until your due date and you feel very special and Madonna-like and you float around glowing and blissful and time seems to tick by at the slowest, most peaceful pace. And then with your subsequent pregnancies it’s like oh shit when was my last period and then BOOM – instantly fat and disgusting, and despite feeling the absolute worst you ever have before the days just blur by because it turns out that perfect first baby you were imagining of all that time ago when you were a pregnancy virgin is actually a crazed and slightly evil hyperactive centipede and you have no time to think about anything else except keeping them from falling off of the cabinets they’ve somehow managed to climb on top of despite having stumpy little chubby legs and calling it a good day if you managed to jam a few squirts of ketchup down their gullet at mealtime and then it’s like oh crap the new baby is like due NOW and this time around it’s just like ok well let’s get this show on the road because I need to get home and get some stuff done amirite.

We keep starting conversations about how we are going to maintain a small semblance of organization and routine once the babies arrive and Gates keeps throwing out sports terms like “zone defense” and “vasectomy” but we are le tired so I think we are just going to wing it. We did buy a second fridge for extra beer. I mean breastmilk storage. I figure we will figure it out… because that is the only option. I know the kids will adjust fine because they are resilient and kind of oblivious so I guess deep down I am more worried about maintaining my relationship with Gates. And also myself. I don’t want to lose my entire identity into the folds of the excess skin of motherhood completely, but I know that without specific planning it is going to be damn near impossible to find both quiet time and romantic time, especially in the first few months of newborn chaos. Sometimes it already feels like Gates and I live on 2 separate planets within our home, he on the small but very fun planet of fantasy football and rap music and I on the much larger and more boring planet of mismatched tupperware and scheduling pediatrician appointments and grocery shopping. In an attempt to stimulate conversation on one of the many monotonous nights on the couch where we convene post-OG bedtime rituals for all of 5 minutes before crashing for the night ourselves I asked him, “Tell me something I don’t know about you”. And he promptly responded, “Sometimes I mouth words silently to the dog to try to  make him think he is going deaf”…. Ok not exactly what I had in mind as far as a conversation with higher meaning but definitely learned something new. Gotta keep that spark alive!

My body is out of control. Existing currently feels a little bit like what I imagine dying must feel like. But we’ve got time left so I’m going to ignore everything and walk around with a deranged smile on my face and just keep popping my hernia back into place when it wiggles its way out and guzzle Tums and rub ice on my butt and cry every time I have to move from laying to standing and motivate myself with frequent visits to the fridge to stare at my postpartum beer stash for so long that the fridge alarm goes off but then just keep standing there like a zombie with bells ringing and toddlers crying and dogs barking and blood pressures rising and frogs and locusts raining down from the sky etc etc.

AND YET STILL: I am so in awe of my body. My abdominal muscles have LITERALLY RIPPED DOWN THE MIDDLE to make room for this giant sac o’ limbs. I can push my entire arm into my own stomach with ease. There are two almost 3 pound PEOPLE just bouncing around between my crotch and my guts. And also my butt, because thanks to my retroverted uterus, these kids are putzing around in my general rectal region fiddling with my poopy bits and wreaking havoc on my plumbing. That is so many fingers and toes and kneecaps and eye sockets and rapidly forming political opinions and sassy mouths inside of such a small space it is mind blowing. I cannot believe the crazy shenanigans our bodies go through to make and bake and plop out babies, and the fact that more than one can come squirting out at once is so insane. Two for the price of one! Except not really, because remember what I told you guys about the freaking “per fetus” medical bill charges. So two for the price of two… oh and also your body is totally effed but whatever. Two! Someone recently looked deep into my eyes and asked me, “But how are you doing, really?” with a look of someone who was really hoping for some juicy details about fluids and solids. And I’ll tell you guys the same thing that I told them – I’m doing fine. This is going down exactly like you’d expect it to, and there is nothing special about the maladies of end stage pregnancy disease, no matter how many chickadees you’ve got cooking at once. A quick Google search about common pregnancy symptoms/complaints will tell you all you need to know if you really have no idea what all this gestational business entails, and if you are considering pregnancy and thinking “hmmm but maybe that won’t happen to me”… well, then you are a stupid, stupid idiot. Or maybe you will be looked upon fondly by the pregnancy goddesses and you won’t have to deal with any of it. Either way, the end result is the same and once the kid comes out everything is way more work anyway so I’m going to put my head down and try to enjoy every last shitty, slimy, painful morsel of this pregnancy.

I’ve officially given up my crusade to plead for a moratorium on unsolicited comments on my bod. I’ve had multiple strangers tell me all about how I’m “too small” to have twins and that they can’t possibly be healthy so I need to scurry to the doctor right quick to have them checked out. I suppose I could just choose not to respond when people ask me when I’m due or if we know what we are having but I would feel weird about pretending that it’s just one, like that would put some bad juju on one of them or something and cause the fatter one to chew up the smaller one. Plus they are their own people and what if they can hear me and come out all annoyed that I downplayed their uniqueness by letting people think of them as one entity and then they become rebellious and unmotivated and it has nothing to do with the legalization of cannabis that those lucky ducks are going to experience in their young lives and everything to do with my inability to fully recognize them as individuals? So I’m just going to take it all with a grain of salt, and also these people who feel the need to comment are damn lucky that nothing is wrong with either twin right now because how would those apples taste if their concerns about their health was met with news about terrible medical problems? Also – I don’t like burdening people with depressing information but I have been super transparent about the health struggles I’ve had with this pregnancy. Here is a little reminder of just how far we’ve come – with the first picture being when I was at my sickest and surviving mainly on IV fluids and Cheetos yet still down about 10 pounds from when I found out I was pregnant, to the second picture being our current situation… We are coming along! So freaking far. And I’m damn proud of what that belly has been able to do with basically no help from the rest of my body.

I did have a very comical exchange with a lady recently though that brings me much hilarity. I was being seen for a last minute check up after discovering oh what do you know, a little BP on the rise and a little protein in my tinkle and was sitting in the empty clinic lobby waiting for them to call me when a woman comes in for an appointment and sits down in the otherwise unoccupied room in the seat literally right next to me and I can tell she’s going to be chatty and sure enough it begins. Questions about how far along I am, if it is a boy or a girl, TWINS?! wow does my belly look pretty small for twins, boy does she ever wish that she had twins, matter of fact she has always wished that she herself was a twin, blah blah blah. Then she hits me with the now classic, “are they natural?” and I say yup sure are and being thankful that I don’t have to answer that question with some information about fertility struggles and medical intervention because that can’t possibly not be uncomfortable on either side of that conversation. So nosy! But then she follows that with and even less welcomed, “well what sex position did you use?” And I didn’t miss a beat and responded, “anal” – and at that very second they called me for my appointment and I bounced up with my too small melon belly and left her alone with that thought. Hardy har! And in the end everything was okay-ish with my labs and thankfully my doc called me the next day to give me clearance to attend the conference that I had already traveled to so that was a lucky break on my end. Don’t worry, I had already Googled the directions to the closest OBGYN office and L&D unit to my hotel so I was ready to waddle up the sidewalk in case of sour news but all was proper. And it was a mighty fine conference so I was happy to have attended and for being able to use my mush brain a little more than usual for a few days.

Olivia had an amazing solo trip up north with my parents. She was able to visit with family in town from Texas, attend a baby shower and then visit the baby being showered who popped into the outside world shortly after, she got to meet my godfather, spend time with her great grandmother, eat out at many restaurants and got to slurp plenty of ice cream, and was sufficiently loved and snuggled on for days on end. My mom said that during the trip up she kept asking to go to “Papa’s house” and when they finally arrived she absolutely shrieked in delight and ran around touching all of her favorite toys that she must have remembered from trips up there earlier this year. I’m not sure if she had more fun or my parents did but it was really awesome to hear about all of their adventures.

Gates and I made the most of our week without a toddler by literally doing everything ever to be done around the house. Project upon project was checked off the list, and the timing actually worked out that our basement renovation began the week she was up north so it was nice to not have to worry about construction noises interfering with nap time. I put up a post on one of the local resale groups I’m part of online in search of some of the last minute spare baby item things we wanted to purchase such as a second crib mattress and another changing pad to keep on the lower level of the house etc, and not only did I get tons of random messages from strangers congratulating us on the twins and wishing us well but a bunch of moms offered me their items for free, some of them even offering to drop the items off at our house! I was completely overwhelmed with the generosity of strangers in our community and I was able to both buy and be gifted everything left that we thought we might need for Thing 1 & Thing 2 for the first few months with double newborn. I bought gift cards for the mamas who were refusing payment for items because I seriously couldn’t get over their willingness to help us out, and I hope that I am able to pass on a bunch of stuff of our own in a few years because this is IT for us on the child front. Seriously. No more “let’s just see what happens”. We know what happens. Loud and clear. Next time it would probably be damn triplets.

And finally, I need to share some sad news – after a very sudden and bizarre few days of a rapidly progressing mystery illness, we had to say goodbye to dear, sweet, rude, hissy, snuggly Cici. She was certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, cat-wise, but she was very dear to me and I am quite sad that her life has come to an end. Granted, I probably have a very weird expectation for the life expectancy of cats since my childhood pet Reggie lived to be close to 20 years old, but still, only 8 years and change seems pretty young for a kitty to go. She did not go quietly or calmly, and although it seemed like a lot of chaos to be dealing with in the moment, (hauling a seizing cat and a 30 pound screaming toddler into the emergency vet clinic solo) I think she did us a favor by not going through this madness while I was in labor or while we were bringing home 2 squishy newborns from the hospital. I watched Reggie slip away in his last days on Earth after a long and steady health decline, but I had never experienced putting a pet down in a controlled environment. Since reading a story in Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul called Tigress as a child (check it out here, if you feel like torturing yourself https://www.chickensoup.com/book-story/38779/tigress) I had been absolutely terrified of having to be in that situation, yet when I found myself smack in the middle of it, there was no time to do anything but accept what was happening and try to be present in the moment. It was exactly like they tell you it will be. They brought Cici to me all swaddled in a blanket like a papoose, already calm and relaxed from the medications they had unsuccessfully used to try to stop her seizures. I snuggled her and pet her little face, and thanked her for being mine and for being so special to me. And then I told the doc I was ready and they injected the medication and my tears plopped all over her furry face and whiskers while she got even more still and serene, and then she was gone. And her ashes will be spread at a memorial garden for pets nearby that we can visit if we would like, and all that’s left is a house that’s just a little too quiet from the craziness we are used to and an eternity of finding little stripey stray cat hairs in places we will least expect. Bye bye sweet Cici, it stings already so much when Olivia calls for you. We are going to miss you, little sass.

It’s a season of change for sure!

Home. Stretch.

 

And lastly: