FIRST THINGS FIRST:

I owe you guys a major apology. After my latest absolutely viral blog post, reaching literally nearly a dozen people, some in far off locales as remote and exotic as Seeley, WI, I received more than a few apologies from people that I love and cherish explaining how sorry they were for offending me/hurting my feelings when they had talked to me about my pregnancy and maybe said something about my belly/belly size and I feel like a giant ass. I should have said in the first place that IN NO WAY does it bother me, bug me, hurt me, or anything even resembling offend me to hear anything at all from anyone that I love. Mostly I was making an observation about how nuts it is that people I don’t know that well and even strangers feel compelled to make comments. Ok, full disclosure I was throwing a little shade at one particular person who I don’t really care for and therefore anything that comes out of their mouth or anything they do and basically just them existing in the world annoys the bejesus out of me.

But I would bet my life and all the riches in Dubai that she doesn’t read my blog. Even if she knew about it, which I doubt she does, she would make a conscious effort not to read this. Because I’m pretty sure she feels the way about me that I do about her. Or maybe not. Maybe you are her. Are you? Also if by now you don’t know that 98% of what comes out of my mouth is sarcastic gibberish anyway including what I write about in these blogs than you are an idiot. Kidding. Or am I. I am. Or maybe not. No I am. really. Maybe. You decide.

WHEW now that that’s out of the way we can get back to the good stuff.

THE SQUIGGLES ARE HALFWAY COOKED! More than halfway, actually, because one of the (only) perks of a twin pregnancy is you don’t have to chug along all the way to 40 weeks like an obese woolly mammoth. Twinnies are full term at 37 weeks! Which is a nice little break except when you realize that uteri carrying twins usually are much bigger than a “40 week” uterus… in fact a gal I know who had twins said that when she delivered at 37 weeks her uterus measured 48 weeks. LOL how is that a thing. I’m going to need a wheelbarrow soon to lug around a blob that big. Olivia always measured small, as did my uterus during her pregnancy – so with the added parts of this pregnancy my uterus at 20 weeks is measuring what I did with Olivia at 30 weeks… EEK! I thought I would be able to see more of a difference in the pictures comparing 20 weeks with 1 vs 20 weeks with 2 but I think this time around my business is growing upwards in a watermelon shape vs outwards in a basketball shape.

20 weeks with Olivia vs 20 weeks with the twins

Maybe that means boys! Penises! Peni? Could be filled to the brim with peni at the moment for sure. This feels like an appropriate time to lament about how fast time is flying and how bittersweet a final pregnancy is… but in all honesty this has been the longest and rudest stretch of time that I can recall and I’m glad so much of it is over. I will say that I really think I am over the humpiest part of the hump of pregnancy sickness and minus a few episodes of giant steps backwards to vomity induced dehydration, generally every day in the past few weeks has been getting a teeny bit better than the last. I also have gained 3 lbs in the past 4 weeks, which puts me at only down 8 lbs since finding myself in the family way again back in March. The 20 weeks scan was all reassuring despite all of my body’s drama and babies looking great! This photo shows Olivia at the top during her 20 week scan, then baby B and then baby A. Baby A looks pretty similar to Olivia to me! Which would be cool, since Olivia is freaking adorable.

The ultrasound took forever, thanks to both babies wiggling non-stop and showing off everything they could except for the positions needed by the tech to get the right anatomical photos. Gates and I stared lovingly into each other’s eyes for the parts where they looked at the genitals so that we wouldn’t accidentally spot a rogue labia or four. A very romantic moment, both of us thinking about baby privates. Kidding, he browsed a magazine and I zzz’d off for a few, to the reassuring “hmm”s and “ahh”s from the tech and I definitely didn’t peek and I doubt he did either. However, even if he did sneak a glance I am certain he would have no clue what he was looking at. Actually, maybe that’s why he left in such a jolly mood, thinking in his head that he had spotted a giant penis and was going to have a son, when actually what he had seen was an arm or something. Who knows. And both of us so loved loved LOVED the surprise of gender at birth with Olivia that I’m sure he kept his peepers to himself. We will all know soon enough!

I am excited to report that I have been studying a foreign language. It is a very specific dialect native to a very particular subdivision in southeastern Wisconsin, and it is spoken fluently only by one sassy toddler with overgrown bangs and a sneaky looking smile. I practice this language every day and so far have mastered a few phrases and words which I am happy to share with you now:

• “oh, sowee” – translation: a polite response of apology provided after someone drops something or bumps into something or does something on accident. Example – Mommy slams her knee into the sharp corner of the bed and does a quiet swear. Toddler tailgating closely behind Mommy hears her exclamation of discomfort and shouts up to her: “Oh, sowee!”. 
• “bo-bee” – translation: Usually spoken as a strong command indicating the song Wheels on the Bus is needed to be heard IMMEDIATELY or dire consequences may be risked. Of note: “bo-bee, Pooh?” is a variant of this word and means that the lyrics of the song must be altered slightly so that the song verses are about characters from Winnie the Pooh inexplicably also riding around on a city bus with the shushing mamas and the crying babies. 
• “bah-pea” – translation: Typically screamed repeatedly at a loud volume, this particular word, while similar in sound to “bo-bee”, means something entirely different and indicates that the speaker requires MORE of whatever they are eating/doing/drinking/etc and would like whatever said thing is brought to them or performed for them again quickly or the volume and intensity of the word will continue to rise to near unnatural decibels. 
• “ah-mauls” – translation: “Where are the animals? I would like to see the animals, any animal will do. I am not picky about the animals. Bugs are also fine. I would like to touch the animals, the bugs, and the frogs, especially the frogs. And cats. The faces of cats. The angrier the cat the better”. 
• “bye-bye cows” – translation: This is a salutation exclaimed in either delight or fear, meaning either “goodbye sweet animals, it’s been a pleasure” when it is time to say goodbye to whatever animals are in the vicinity or “get me the hell away from these cows, they are the freaking worst”. 
• “eeps” – translation: Grapes, now. Please. 
• “duck” – translation: The sound of passing gas loudly, and forcefully, with great intent and concentration. After trumpeting sound is achieved one should look around at their audience and proclaim, “Duck!”. 
• “mee-mee” – translation: Used as a form of pardoning oneself after breaking wind. The full proper sequence when combined with the previous vocab word goes as follows – *enormously loud gas*, pause, look around, smile, “Duck!”, pause, “mee-mee”. 
• “yo-yo” – translation: Yogurt. Hopefully Go-Gurt if Mommy is feeling lazy. But most any yogurt will do. 
• “nigh-nigh” – translation: A phrase used out of fear when you desire something to stop or go away. Example – Nana is reading to you and you are very happy on her lap. Mommy comes home from a long day of slaving away and standing on her feet for 8 hours and just wants a little kiss hello, but you do not want to kiss Mommy because you are afraid Mommy will take you away from Nana and Nana is much more fun than Mommy and reads the books much better and with more exciting voices so you wave your hand at Mommy indicating, LEAVE, JERK combined with saying “nigh-nigh, nigh-nigh Mommy” and hope Mommy goes away quickly and without a fuss so you can get back to the good stuff. 

Olivia is getting very excited about the babies! We ask her, “Where are Mommy’s babies?” and she runs right over, reaches her hands down my shirt, and peeks in my bra. Close, kiddo! She does love feeding her dollies and touching random people’s babies and children so this is a good sign. However, when she is a holding a baby and is tired of it she just yells “DONE!” and tries to push the baby off her lap. So we will need to work on that.

We have been having an amazing and busy summer. Weekends absolutely packed to the gills with activities and occasionally actual gills and we’ve had plenty of sunburns, sand in the house, campfire smoke in our hair, grass stains, and unidentifiable sticky sweet stains on our clothing which are all the marks of proper summer fun. I’ve also mostly been sticking to my goal of being off 1 day a week with Olivia and being Mom all day. Technically I am only scheduled to work 3 days a week but I tend to work more like 4 or 5 days a week because frankly working is easier than being on toddler duty all day, especially during my months in the clutches of pregnancy induced feelings of death. I feel horrible mom guilt for operating this way but I was not built for full time mommy duty and I am in constant awe of people who are. I don’t have the patience for the tantrums or the whining the way I would like to, and while I don’t like to show my frustration back to said toddler and am really adept at ignoring it, I just have a hard time finding the joy in her really crappy, crabby, cranky days. I know it is all a stage and that the cute things she does and says should far outweigh the annoying parts but when faced with a choice between a day solo with Olivia that begins as early as 5 am and ends around 8 pm with no nap guaranteed and a day where I get to make some cash, see my patients, laugh with my coworkers, and have a lunch break where sometimes I even get to read a book for a half an hour, I’m can often be found running out the door before I even have my scrubs pulled on the way on. ANYWAY, I have been making a serious effort to spend full days with my little monster because I know that time with just the two of us has a fast approaching expiration date. I try to plan a morning of activities that involve a lot of running around in the hopes that she will give in to a nap at some point in the day and awake recharged for the rest of the afternoon vs her favorite routine with me which seems to be power through the day without a wink of sleep and get crazier and more vicious and bitey and screamy as the hours go on. We’ve been going to the zoo, playgrounds, parks, walking trails, beaches, libraries, story and music hours, and checking out community pools, including a v fancy one in Wauwatosa where I was the poorest and fattest person there amidst of sea of nannies and Lilly Pulitzer. I was also the only caregiver who broke free in a mad dash to take my charge down the water slide intended for only those under 4 feet tall but Olivia wanted to go down and she just doesn’t know how to swim so what was I supposed to do. I may complain about my kid but you can’t say I don’t go above and beyond for that little gremlin.

We’ve also been logging in our hours at our own personal resort – aka my in-laws put in a fabulous pool and we’re obsessed. Fridge stocked with La Croix for preggo and pantry full of Goldfish for Olivia, and no dogs allowed (I’m looking at you, Brauny!) – literally why would we ever leave.

Can’t believe summer is halfway over and so is this pregnancy. Halfway dudes! So amazing.

Also,

Happy summering friends! And foes, if you’re on here creeping on me 😉