Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, dudes! Back at work and crushing it. Literally am so thankful for how amazing my new schedule is. I know it sounds terrible to say but I really wasn’t appreciating time home with squid until I was spending time away from her on a consistent basis. She’s totally getting the best version of me, as a day home with her feels awesome after a crazy day at the clinic, and my patients and coworkers get the best version of Miss Roseanne (my favorite name a patient mistakenly called me once) after I spend a day home with OG getting all mushy and mommy-y. That and beeb’s babysitter is beyond awesome and is way more loving and maternal to her than I could ever hope to be, and takes the most adorable photos of her to send me during the day that make all of us AWWWWWW…

 

My transition back has been way easier than I imagined, and even pumping between patients is going smoother than it should be, I just pop right into a spare patient room with signs on the door one of my favorite co-workers made:

It helps that I probably only have to pump for like 10 minutes now thanks to piggy being speed champ eater extraordinaire. I don’t know how, when, who, what, where, why, or by what magical power it happened but this kid now eats super efficiently… and… that’s it. It stays inside of her fat little belly. Like a normal person. Hardly any more projectile vom situations. Just a regular amount of bibble dribble. Just enough to drip down the back of my scrub top not to notice when I have her up on my shoulder before we rush out the door for the day. I can only imagine what patients think the dried white crusty streaks down my back might be before I catch a glimpse and have a chance to wipe it off.

Speaking of coming, and going, why is getting a baby off to daycare before work as exhausting and involved as I imagine participating in a triathlon might be? It doesn’t help that we have the devil dog from hell getting his grubby little paws involved in everyone’s business and a super rude cat who requires constant supervision lest she startle and attempt to climb walls, leaving a trail of pee and broken limbs in her wake. Here is our routine:

1. Gates gets up to get ready for work.
2. I wait until I can smell coffee brewing and then I can relax and (maybe) fall back asleep knowing that miracle potion will be ready for me when I get up.
3. If I do not smell coffee brewing I will secretly hold that against him all day, even if it is my fault for not remembering to pick any up after putting it on the grocery list and totally spacing. And if he doesn’t make any because he is up and tackling the day without a moment to spare I won’t make any for myself when I get up because then I can simmer in my grumpiness longer via denying myself any.
4. Also, lately, there is a prequel to step #1 which is: OG and I have been up since the crack of freaking dawn and we have basically accomplished an entire day’s worth of activities from 3 am until step #1. FYI.
5. Gates wakes me up for a goodbye kiss before he leaves for the day. Can’t decide if I love him or hate him for this.
6. When little monster begins to stir I pick her up and do a v sneaky sideways shuffle squeeze out of the bedroom door, leaving the dog trapped inside, because miss poose Cis gets free roam of the house at night (her only time doing so except when the dog is at daycare), because if she is out and about when the dog is loose one or both of them will definitely kill eachother, so that is still not any better.
7. We go downstairs together and with her under one arm I pet the cat, rinse out the bottles and pumping equipment that have been soaking overnight, load everything into the sterilizer and turn it on, and god help me I better be pouring a cup of fresh coffee.
8. Spend 1-15 minutes corralling the cat,  which occasionally consists of climbing onto cupboards/the fridge to accomplish, and booting  her into the basement.
9. Have extreme guilt about keeping the cat in the basement for the majority of her life.
10. Risk burns to skin opening sterilizer to gather pumping parts.
11. Through steps 6-10 we have to listen to the dog losing his shit upstairs in the bedroom barking, whining, crying, trying to eat the door, etc, as he has an extreme case of FOMO.
12. Head back upstairs with my clean pumping stuff in tow, brace ourselves, open the door to the bedroom, and avoid being bulldozed by the dog.
13. Watch dog do hot laps around the entire house, assess if he must be let outside to use the facilities.
14. If dog needs to go outside, find safe-ish stop to plop the kid, collar and leash the dog, and take him O-U-T.
15. Get more and more frustrated by the second wandering aimlessly behind the dog who seems like he actually has no intent in peeing or pooping now that he is outside and is so happy to be out in the frigid air.
16. Have extreme guilt about being a shitty, lazy dog owner.
17. Screw step 15, this dog is pissing me off, yell at him to GO POTTY. Repeat this phrase 60-100 times until accomplished.
18. If feeling disgustingly slothy, instead of steps 14-17, simply leash the dog and hang arm out back door so he can reach literally 1 inch of grass and wait for him to do his business. If opting for this option, triple the pet owner guilt.
19. Back inside to rescue the now screaming child. Scoop her from safe-ish place and head upstairs.
20. Turn on shower to warm up.
21. New diaper for baby. Possibly a boob snack.
22. Place baby in bouncer in bathroom safely out of the reach of insane animals.
23. Shower as if your life depended on it.
24. Jump out of shower, plug fussing baby with pacifier, dry off, dress from waist down in whatever sort of clean clothes you can find.
25. Plug fussier baby with pacifier again, put on pumping bra, finagle pumping contraption on, pump while blow drying hair.
26. Unhook self from pump, take off pumping bra, set pump parts and milk aside temporarily.
27. Dress from waist up.
28. Finish hair, makeup if necessary/can tolerate level of fussiness now reached by spawn.
29. Liberate offspring from bouncer, throw her over shoulder or under arm, collect pump parts, pumped milk, pump, and pumping bag.
30. Travel downstairs, find safe-ish spot for child.
31. See dog has baby’s *blanket, toy, spit rag, pacifier, bottle, whatever* in his mouth.
32. Chase dog, yell, bargain, plead, etc. Do not get anywhere with these tactics.
33. Run to kitchen and find some sort of food item that will work as distraction/treat/bargaining chip for dog’s release of said item.
34. Bargain with dog for item.
35. Get item back and yell at dog.
36. Feel terrible guilt for being shitty pet owner.
37. Pour pumped milk into either a bottle to send with her to daycare, or into a storage bag to freeze.
38. Rinse all pump parts and put aside to dry.
39. Pack pump into pumping bag, pack lunch for the day, pack frozen pumped milk for baby for day.
40. If something edible is spotted and requires no preparation, consider putting it inside of you and calling it breakfast.
41. Yell at dog to get away from basement door where he is clawing at it and whining as the cat is tormenting him from the other side of it.
42. More pet owner guilt.
43. Back upstairs with baby, change her into outfit for the day.
44. Pack diaper back with the 15 additional outfits she will need due to spit up, drool, blow outs, etc. Make sure bag is stocked with diapers, wipes, spit rags, bibs, etc.
45. Realize you have not done laundry and have to send some sour smelling items with her.
46. Feel endlessly forgetful and stressed.
47. Remember you are supposed to be enjoying this and sing to her and snuggle her.
48. Hear dog making ruckus downstairs.
49. Run downstairs with baby under arm screaming his name and clean up whatever ruckus was: the lunch you packed on the counter is now gone, tupperware included, the coffee creamer left on the coffee station is now bleeding to death due to puncture wounds on the floor, etc.
50. Yell.
51. Guilt.
52. Back upstairs for completion of diaper bag packing.
53. Downstairs, baby safe-ish spot, outside to start the car.
54. Collect rinsed pump parts and put into pump bag, gather lunch and other work items, grab diaper bag.
55. Checklist in head of all items necessary for self and baby for the day.
56. Run all the bags, and to-go cup of coffee out to car.
57. Trip over dog on the way back inside as you are greeted like you have been gone for 4 years.
58. Yell.
59. Guilt.
60. Hat on baby, baby into carseat, blankets on baby… where is the freaking pacifier.
61. Find pacifier.
62. Plug baby.
63. Out the door, baby into car.
64. Turn off ignition so can run back to house and lock the door.
65. Back to baby, find pacifier, plug.
66. Into the front seat, ignition on, get on the road.
67. Breathe.
68. And god help me if I am not drinking a hot cup of coffee. And Gates too.

Sheesh! Also I am fully aware that I could organize the morning better, but where is the thrill in that? I am happy living my life in structured chaos, just look at my Pinterest boards… 1838 pins on my food board including meals, snacks, beverages, desserts, etc and not organized in any way whatsoever. Madness. Although I did recently buy 2 additional pacifiers of the one type she will actually sort of keep in her mouth. It happens to be clear, aka easy to lose… I can’t tell you how many panicked moments we have had around the house when it’s hiding in plain sight somewhere. I am not sure why it took me 4 months to finally just splurge $6 on two more…

She is getting to be just the coolest, minus the fact that she never seems to sleep, ever. Maybe one or two 15 minute or so catnaps during the day and then if we are lucky maybe a few hours overnight. But still, cool baby. Always happily screeching away like a pterodactyl.

And so sweet, loves to have her hand held, loves to touch people’s faces, soothed with kisses and snuggles… Here she is with her babysitter, who said she fell asleep and then reached up to hold her hand… awww little beeb!

Not seen in this picture is the fact that I accidentally snipped the tip of her thumb with the new baby fingernail clippers that claimed to be impossible to cut too close with… I definitely clipped a smallish chunk off of her teeny little thumb causing her to yip like a little puppy and look at me with a huge eyes and a bewildered pout, causing me in turn to sob uncontrollably… so sorry kid! But she had been clawing the bejesus out of her face (as seen in the picture), finally landing one that drew blood out from the right corner of her mouth and up her cheek making her look like the Joker, so something had to be done. I used to just bite her nails while she was eating but somehow all 11 pounds of her is strong enough to fight her little talons out of my mouth so this hasn’t been working for us lately. Oh my little monster.

OG Updates:

• She hates tummy time with a passion that I recognize from my own hatred of the current state of United State’s government at the moment, but I dutifully make her do it every day, for at least a few minutes, or until I am unable to stand her screaming any longer – whatever comes first. She has mastered the tummy to back roll, so I don’t feel that guilty about not doing anywhere near the recommended 20 minutes a day. I have countless videos of her screaming in rage while rolling as proof for her doc in case I get the lack of tummy time lecture at her next visit.
• She figured out how to blow spit bubbles and this amuses her to no end.
• She is a drooling fool and is now constantly damp from that… we went from being wet all the time from spit up to now this, poor kid hasn’t had a day in her life that she hasn’t been at least a tad swampy.
• She is starting to pork out in the most delightful way. Getting v chubs in the stomach, leg, and arm area. Double chin growing as well. Adorable, but I discovered that I haven’t been cleaning her properly in her newly acquired folds, and really have to begin getting in there with a sponge and a vengeance or else she starts to stink a little bit.
• She has at least 1 poop blowout a day, without fail. I wondered if maybe it was the diaper brand or size that was unable to contain her explosive surprises, but after much experimentation I’ve concluded that she just poops in huge, enormous, massive, mustardy quantities. For anyone curious about what diapers I’ve had the most success with, here is my official review:
  • Best for poop containment: Everyday Happy, Honest Company
  • Worst for poop containment but best for overnights: Pamper’s Swaddlers
  • Best bang for the buck: Luv’s Ultra Leakgaurd (always coupons for these!)
  • Conclusion: It doesn’t matter, because she poops through everything. The End.
• She absolutely loves chewing on her hands. So much in fact, that they are starting to get red and chapped. Do not have a solution for this. I put mittens on her at night to keep her always freezing little hands just a tiny bit warmer and she still sucks on her hands through these. Wouldn’t mind this habit of hers except she is torn between wanting to suck on her hands and wanting her pacifier so she is constantly fussing and wanting whichever one isn’t in her mouth at all times, aka I’ve got my arm in her Pack n’ Play all night long popping the pacifier back in her mouth as soon as she chaws on the paws a little but then remembers OMG MY PACIFIER and so on and so forth throughout the night.
• She is beginning to take notice of the animals, which is super exciting for her, and probably not so much for them, as she has taken to grasping onto whatever part of them she can reach and then holding them in her death grip, which leaves clumps of their fur in her hands when they manage to free themselves and escape. Brauny seems to love her, so I don’t worry so much about him, but Cis loves nothing so I’ve been pleasantly surprised that she has issued nary a swat or even her signature hiss to beeb during “play time”.
• She absolutely loves watching other kids/babies bop around. When I take her to story/music time at the library she literally seems to be in a trance watching all the action. We also have a picture book with babies faces, and she likes to look at them and talk to them. Her sitter watches a little girl close to her age on some days and OG just is fascinated by her. Here she is investigating her new buddy the way she checks out all new things!

Yum!

Looking forward to getting to take her up north for the first time for Birkie next weekend! Little snow bunny hits the northwoods!

 

And finally, just one more picture of my born and bred Wisconsin gal! Cheers!