Dude, pregnancy is insane. Literally every day my mind is blown by the way my body is just kinda growing a human from scratch without any help from me. I’m a one man Olympic event over here! I’m trying to remember to take the time to love every second of what is happening, and making a conscious effort not to be a grouch about the yucky stuff because 1) I’m well aware of how fast time is flying and I know someday I am going to look back and miss these precious moments of bonding with the squirming mystery lump inside of me (oh and miss the peaceful, silent bliss of calm our life currently is) , and 2) I just don’t see the point in fussing about the crappy parts of being pregnant. My body is legit doing some bizarre things… and I’m not quite sure how I feel about them… But this is exactly what we hoped would happen when we made the conscious decision to put the p in the v and create life. And what I’m experiencing is in no way unique. But it is interesting. So I thought it was time to do a quick inventory on the damage that a two pound-ish sea urchin can do to a gal’s bod.

1) I’m literally turning into Spiderman.

What is this nonsense? My entire body, especially my now giant cans, are covered with an intricate network of this dark blue vein webbing that I swear to God pulsates like there is lava bubbling inside of me. Perhaps this is the effort it takes to make a chest that normally fills out the same bra cup size that a teenage boy would be able to morph into a milking machine for a screeching leech.  Or perhaps I will soon be able to shoot webs from my fingers and scurry up walls.

2) It’s alive. 

My recently flat with only a hint o’ PBR belly now protrudes with the pride of a thousand chubby melons. It’s hard as a rock in a way I find disgusting and it also twitches and squirms visibly every time the octopus does its pilates or whatever the hell it is doing in there that calls for so much commotion and physical exertion.

Here is a look of the situation from my viewpoint.

As you can see, my feet are well on their way to becoming a distant and fond memory. Also, you know how they say that pregnancy can make your hair grow quickly and lustrously? It sure can! Look at that shiny hair just flourishing on the bump, waving in the wind like golden corn silk. Apparently the gorgeous hair benefit of pregnancy only applies to my body hair, as my head hair is the same old wet noodle mop it’s been since day one.

3) The other “good” side effects

I will hand it to pregnancy, what I heard about skin and nails being on point whilst up the duff is 100% accurate. My skin is smooth and tan & my nails are longer and stronger than they’ve ever been before. Consequently, I am totally unaccustomed to having lady-like nails and have been clawing the bejesus out of myself with my newly acquired talons. Must get this under control before the squid arrives in all its untarnished smooth as a baby’s bottomed glory so as not to slice up its perfection with my sharpened paws.

4) The situation with my belly button

Um.. why. It started as a relatively normal button. With the cock-eyed piercing I got the second I turned 18 and rocked a stud earring in, and the sensible, inward facing shape the button parts took on after my birthing, it was a pretty cute button, as far as buttons go. As time went on with my baby growing, and my stomach reached further and further away from me, the little earring started to get kind of achy and irritated, but I just ignored it, as I do most things that don’t feel right. This went on for some time, but eventually I looked in the mirror and gasped in horror when I discovered what had occurred… my cute little button betrayed me. Betrayed me and grew a tiny penis. So now instead of a sensible innie with a cute crooked piercing, I have a small penis button right in the middle of my melon gut. PERFECT.

Other bodily excitement that unfortunately happens to not photograph well… or photographs very well but probably NSFW:

1. Delightfully shiny silvery stretch marks. Sprouting like tree roots on my hips and stomach, not afraid of any amount of cocoa butter, these bad boys are here to stay. I’m possibly turning into a tiger, and with the webbing – perhaps some sort of tiger/spider hybrid. Spiger.

2) Rockin’ the roids. Yikes. Is all I have to say about that.

3) Mouth like a murder scene. All the OCD oral hygiene in the world could not stop the blood bath that now occurs after flossing. My dentist said it might get bad but I literally spit out mouthfuls of blood after I get in there and poke around. V disturbing.

4) Swollen lil piggies. Especially after clomping around in heels like a big stupid walrus on wedges.

5) Crazy intense and sporadic leg cramps. Mother of God. It burns!

6) Starting to piddle in my paddles a little… oops.

7) My NECK, my BACK, my round ligaments, and my LACK of enthusiasm about maternity clothes. Why must they be so hideous. Why. However, I did make the full transition to the dorky maternity scrub pants… and they are so awesomely comfortable. I may continue to wear them after the fact to accommodate future food babies.

 

So all in all… not so terrible! Since I have a small collection of pre-existing medical conditions that call for an induction… we are only 10-11 weeks away from the peapod shooting out of me. 10 more weeks to go… we got this.

Final thoughts for the day: My in-laws came back from their vacation in Europe with honest to goodness fresh and authentic Stroopwafel treats for me, and in case you were wondering what the main ingredient in this crunchy yet unctuous delight straight from heaven is, wonder no longer. It’s stroop. 38% of delicious, delicious stroop.

Cultivating mass like a boss this summer!

 Hello third trimester!