We want to buy stuff so bad. O.M.G. every store is now a whole new world that we never even noticed before. LOOK AT ALL THE CUTE LITTLE THINGS!!! However, we are also realists and know that the possibility of this little speck not sticking around for long is actually pretty high. Depressing, but realistic. So, besides the obligatory What to Expect When You’re Expecting, the dude’s version of What to Expect, and a scrapbook for documenting the pregnancy, we tried to stay strong. I also started my adventure in what I am calling: The Hop Whore Becomes Born Again. For Nine Months. That’s All. Pump and Dump is a Real Thing. Aka I wasn’t a huge grouch to Gates when he got to enjoy this year’s limited release of Bell’s Hopslam and I drank a few sips of my first N/A beer. Yikes. It tastes like apple juice that went bad and then sat in the sun because someone forgot to throw it out and then was re-bottled. However, during brunch this weekend I did discover that Virgin Mary’s are actually almost better than their alcoholic cousins. You still get all the junk and the spice but you skip the gross watered down vodka finale.

I also instantly overhauled my diet. I am typically like a disgusting teenage piglet who loves junk food and salt and inconsistent meals, and I knew that needed to change. Time for this little piggy to ditch the slop and head to the market. I am now a breakfast eater! I eat almonds and raw veggies as snacks between meals! Oatmeal! Greek yogurt! Quinoa! 3 meals a day! At brunch I ordered an egg white and veggie omelet instead of duck confit poutine… who am I?

This week also brought us the opportunity to share our news with a few key players – nanas and grandpas! We wanted to keep his parents in the loop because of the uncertainty of the Mexico trip and my parents were randomly coming down to Milwaukee to help us put in new floors so we would have the chance to talk to them in person. We told Mr. and Mrs. Gates over lunch (at a brewery, sad. I had an iced tea. Which Mr. G. later said made him wonder if I was in the family way). Cheers all around! They also said they would help us investigate what exactly was going on with Zika in their vacation town, before we made any final decisions about canceling our trip.

I knew my parents were going to flip. Once they got a little taste of grandparent life when my brother’s girlfriend and baby Leo came into our lives they were hooked and jonesin’ for more, More, MORE baby. When they got to our house for the weekend Gates was still at work so I had to keep my big mouth shut for about an hour before spilling the beans to Nana and Grandpappy. No, we aren’t going to call him that. Randomly, when Gates got home with the dog, my dad said “Welcome home Dad!” and Gates looked at me and said “you told them already?!” with his eyes, and I shook my head confused and said “omg no wtf not yet I don’t know what that was about haha” with my eyes. WEIRD! Anyway, it was their anniversary, so we presented them with an “anniversary gift” for them to open. It was a decorative sign for grandparents, and my mom totally didn’t get it at first. She was like, “Well, you need grandkids before you are grandparents”, and started to read the sign out loud. Meanwhile, my dad was staring at me kind of like this:

Oh he knew alright.  Then Mom figured it out and we all had a proper freak out. So much fun. This moment combined with a few days of free manual labor from my dad made this a weekend to remember.

 

Mexico! I figured I would do my due diligence about Zika before we called the airline and put the ax on Huatulco. I contacted the resort where their vacation home is, the local public health department, the CDC, my friend who lived in Mexico, and every forum I could find online. And everything I found said that there had been zero cases of Zika and absolutely no issues with mosquitoes because of the current season there. Mr. Gates also reached out to his contacts down south and found the same information. So after much discussion and debate – we decided to pack our DEET and hit the beach! Babymoon 2016 here we come! So in the end, I guess the only travel plans that Baby G “messed up” was mommy’s plan to splash around in a fishbowl of margarita and to put queso chihuahua on literally everything.

I also shared little opium pod’s exciting news with Megan, Michelle, and Mandi. Screw waiting until the second trimester, if this little ship goes down, I can’t think of anything better than having the support and love from my besties. Also, I knew Mandi in particular would be beyond excited for us, as we’ve been talking pregnancy for months together. She has been sending me very helpful parenting tips. For example:

I also really committed myself to being consistent with my prenatal vitamins… woof. Ok I know they come in different brands and therefore sizes, but I had gotten a huge box of samples of the Women’s One a Day Prenatal vitamins and these puppies are gigantic. But they were free! Gigantic but free. Therefore I will choke them down. For the sake of saving money for the next 18 years of letting an adorable leech suckle the cash teat dry of every last cent. Here is a picture of the pills, next to the last cent the leech will someday take from us:

In other news, early pregnancy is amazing! I feel like a better version of myself, I’m sure thanks in great part to eating healthier than I have since I myself was a wee nugget, and drinking healthy things like water and milk instead of the sweet, sweet, carb-y nectar that barley and hops creates. However, I seem to becoming even stupider than usual, which is sad. This week I lost my debit card. And my driver’s license. And a Starbuck’s gift card! And this was right after I discovered that decaf lattes exist!! Incredibly inconsiderate of myself. So the only form of payment I had available was my Target debit card. One word:

OMGDANGER!

So remember like 5 paragraphs ago when I said we were being so proper and not buying all the things? Well I really am not to blame for this, because Target was my only option to buy groceries and it has been scientifically proven that women of a certain age literally are unable to resist the black hole that is everything ever that exists once they pass through the hypnotizing red bullseye, and I really shouldn’t be dealing with internal pressure to ignore innate urges because of possible stress to the opium pod… so… this happened:

I did remember the groceries though. Well, I mean I had to go back for a second trip because during the initial visit my brain pushed out the grocery list onto the floor so that I could stand in the middle of an aisle for a substantial amount of time and debate over which color of clearance bibs to purchase. In the end, I did make the obvious decision of purchasing all of them, because – hello – clearance. I also spent some time staring at children in what I now imagine must have been an incredibly creepy way and rubbing my not yet pregnant appearing stomach and smiling knowingly at their mothers. Who for the most part did not smile knowingly back. I had been under the impression that there was like a secret motherhood club where current mothers could sniff out the wonder and naivety of future mothers and descend upon them and offer sage and priceless advice. Also when I was shopping in the maternity section a VERY HELPFUL Target employee informed me that I was, in fact, in the maternity section. Like I hadn’t spent years of my life picking through the racks of the not knocked up people’s section and had tripped and tumbled into that section way off in the distance by the dressing rooms by mistake. And also couldn’t read. Also, though I wasn’t wearing the Target costume of red and khaki, 2 separate people asked me if I worked there. Maybe it was the scrubs, maybe it was the extra brain I was now carrying around in my undercarriage – people apparently can now sense my knowledge and come to me for advice such as, “there is no price tag on this”, and “can you get the Cartwheel savings without a smart phone”. It is truly a thrilling time in my life.